Gaining Closure After A Breakup
Did you just go through a pretty bad break up?💔 Or maybe the person you were "into" decided to ghost👻 you. "Where did we go wrong?" might be a question you are asking yourself right now. This is a normal reaction when a relationship, you thought was going good, goes south. It may even be very tempting to reach out to that person and get some answers, if you haven't already. Although, some may agree it can be helpful to talk it out with your now ex, getting that closure you are seeking is not always possible.
Breakups aren't always easy, and grieving that relationship is different for everyone. You should take the time you need to heal from that hurt. However, seeking closure from your ex does not always help us get ready to move forward. Here is why. Either the ex is not available, is not brave enough to give the real reason, or their reason does not make sense. Either way, when we look for closure after a breakup, what are we really looking for? If we are being honest with ourselves, we are really looking for the answer to fix it, rather than to accept that it ended.
What to do
The longer we search for closure to the breakup, the longer it takes for us to get over it. It may sound like a contradiction, after all it's called closure for a reason, right? Well, the longer it takes for you to find closure, or accept it when it is given to you, is more time spent on thinking about "Why it ended" instead of thinking of "What happens now that it ended." Hence the reason your friends may try to nudge you toward that question by suggesting getting "under a new body" or "rebound". Now, even though a "rebound" has been an effective method, it’s not always fair to you or the person who is the "rebound".
Everyone moves on differently. Your method to moving on may be influenced by your environment, personal values, and/or perspectives on how relationships begin and end. So as an alternative to reaching out to your ex to get that closure, here are 3 easy steps to help you find that closure sooner and with "Class". It’s easy because all you really need to do to get through each step is to be honest with yourself. So, with no further delay, let’s get to them.
Step 1: Realize that a relationship is not about "a person". It's about "how you felt with" a person.
This step is major, yet simple. Once you have recognized that the relationship was not about "you with so-and-so” but was about "how you felt when you were with so-and-so" it makes a big difference. This perspective emphasizes on how so-and-so amplified the most important part about the relationship, which is how you felt in the relationship. Like a math problem, (if you are ok with math) now you can remove and replace so-and-so and focus on you and your feelings, because now your feelings are in the equation.
Ex. Before: Me + so-and-so = Happy relationship
Now: (Me + so-and-so) how I feel= Happy Relationship
Now the focus shifts to "what about being with so-and-so made you want to stay in the relationship?" Did the relationship excite you? Did it provide you with some type of security? Did it bring a bit of joy? Why and how? When you start to focus on this part, you are ready to move on to step 2.
Step 2: Honestly, analyze the relationship without casting blame.
Now, this is where it gets real! Honesty is very important, because this is where you are about to really pick apart your past relationship and find the closure that you need. While going over the details of the relationship, it is also important not to cast blame. Casting blame will shift the focus from the important details needed and will impact how honest you are with yourself. This step requires you to identify 4 things:
a. Identify the Value that "You" added to the relationship.
What did you bring to the table in the relationship? This is a chance of positive reinforcement for those who become victims of insecurities, self-loathing, or the confusion of what you did wrong. Here you tell yourself all the good things that you both may have benefitted from in the relationship. Maybe you were the stylish one, or the affectionate one. Whatever it is, just list them all. The list will show you your self-worth, just in case you forgot.
b. Identify what you could have done better in the relationship.
Nobody is perfect, but what separates the greatest people from the average are their willingness for self-improvement. Each relationship we experience in our lives are an opportunity to learn how to treat others, as well as learning how we want to be treated. Truthfully speaking, was there something that your ex said they wanted you to do and you just didn't do it?
When my relationship of 8 years ended, it was pretty heart breaking. It took me some time to get to step 2 (as I had no real guidance for dealing with breakups), but I did remember he would say "You don't acknowledge how I feel" a lot. After some reflection, I remembered moments when he would do something good or dressed really well and he would boast about it. I looked at that as "arrogance". Looking back on it now, I realized, that "arrogance" was what he expected me to do for him. What he was asking me to do all that time was to show some positive recognition when it's due. Honestly, I rarely did. Instead, when he would boast and uplift himself, I would tease him to take away how good he felt. I definitely could have been better there.
Honesty can sometimes make us look bad. In the end, the goal is to see the bad so that we can correct it or find someone who will accept it. Whatever floats your boat.
c. Identify the qualities you experienced in that relationship that you would want to continue in your love life.
Now we start to move forward. Remember, a relationship is actually about how you feel in it. So, what was so good about this relationship that made you want to be in it? Did it bring you excitement? Provide support? Give affection? These will be the qualities you will be looking for in your new relationship. If you are a believer in The Power of Affirmation, you can start putting those qualities on your list of "what belongs to you". Go on and attract your "Happily Ever After"!
d. Identify the qualities you would not want to continue in your love life.
And here is where we get closer to the closure of the relationship! We've looked at the good. Now let's find the ugly. Even though things may have been going good at times, there must have been some things that made you consider dumping the person once, or twice, within the relationship. Those things may not have been dealer breakers at the time, but now you can acknowledge them. List the bad habits or qualities that you don't want to repeat in your love life. We can use this list as the "Red Flag"🔻indicator that we tend to overlook when we are infatuated with a person.
Did I mention Step 2 was a bit lengthy? If you get through it, you will be arming yourself with everything you need to gain closure; Self-worth Reminder, Traits to improve or to be accepted, What you expect from your love life, and Red Flags🔻 to avoid when dating. Once you have made your lists, you are ready for step 3.
Step 3: Apply what you've found in step 2 to your search for, and while building a new relationship.
You explored your past relationship to find the answers you needed from your ex, without even speaking to them😋, and from yourself. Now take this discovered knowledge and apply it accordingly;
Remind yourself of how valuable you are. Anyone who meets you should see that value. The truth is, when you know your worth, it becomes quite laughable that anyone would think about leaving. Especially, after being with such an amazing person as yourself. PERIOD!
Acknowledge where you can use some self-improvement socially. Make efforts to improve it with any interaction where it can be applied. Also, acknowledge the traits that make you who you are. If you accept this about you, then there is definitely someone else who will accept it too. Now, you can let it be known, "This is me! Accept it😍 or 'Bye Felicia'. "😐
Use the last 2 lists as a reminder of what you want, and what you want to avoid. When you do this, you would be focusing more on what you want, and limiting the number of Red Flags🔻 you allow. Three strikes and you’re out of here!
Never lose site of what you have discovered while gaining closure. Here, you can have your knew found knowledge made into a Focus Charm and sent to you. We have a number of different styles to create an effective way for you not to forget. Click here to get your Focus Charm.
And just like that, you got closure, and you’re moving on all in 1 blog!😲 You are worthy of love and should be loved the way you want. Give yourself that permission. Reclaim your love life!💖